Where I’m At

I was recently dumped…via text message. And I totally understand (the text message part). I’m really hard to reason with when I’m upset. As of right now I am able to joke and re-live this horrible tragedy solely because I recognized the error of my ways and now have two feet firmly planted back in girlfriend land. So far I’m even being a good (-er), (-ish)…no just good, girlfriend. The trick is to stay this way.

I was in class when I received the first of an entire series of text messages that added up to 26 reasons why I was being dumped and me alternately agreeing that I’m an awful person, purposely pushing buttons and begging to be given another chance. None of which worked. Yes I begged. Ugh. Drop it.

I held it together till I left school.

My first reaction, once I made it to the parking lot and before being devastated at suddenly, unexpectedly losing this man I love was ANGER. It’s my go-to, my first line of defense. Sadness: such a bummer, but Anger: ahhh my comfortable friend. I was floored that anyone could dump me. My ego is not good with letdowns. In fact in my initial anger I called a friend, who was out with her boyfriend at a party downtown, and left a rambling voice-mail cursing this stupid, cowardly man and saying things such as “What a douche. I have the body of a Goddess” and following that gem with “Oh s*&%. I better hook another one quick before my body goes to crap.”

I’ve got the friends who told me he wasn’t good enough for me anyway, friends who offered to talk, listen, and be there for me and those that just put it out there telling me I shouldn’t have been such a hateful bitch. Of course there is my mom who instantly wanted to get catty because she thinks almost as much of me as I do myself and can not fathom how anyone could leave her wonderful daughter.

Back to the 26 reasons.

At least 18 were completely valid, 3 more could have been construed in his mind to be valid and the rest were just pure nonsense or meant to be hurtful. Wake-up call. The majority of the complaints filed against me were directly associated with my total and utter self-centered nature. I seemed to have forgotten that I was in a relationship that inherently should involve give and take, compromise, and some consideration for the other person’s feelings as well as a desire to make the other person feel good and instead I became a gimme monster expecting everything to be done in my time, focused on my wants and need and screw what’s important to you. I even insinuated that I wanted nothing to do with his kids. Yep. It was that bad. Don’t know how he didn’t blow a gasket sooner. (Patience is one of his strong suits).

I have no defense. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. The only fault on his part was the shady approach to dumping me, which he remedied two days later and the fact that he didn’t make an attempt to point some of this out before reaching the ignition point. Dude, I’m a crazy busy, self-centered woman…i generally don’t see all the negative stuff I’m doing.

Upside? He calmed down. I recognized that he was right…I was unhappy. I was continually trying to force the crazy into submission and it was taking so much conscious effort that I had no energy left for him and nothing but negativity to spew. I can sure preach a good game about gratitude and looking at all the things I have rather than focusing on what I don’t have, but how quickly I forget when more than one thing in a day doesn’t go my way. So now he has promised to point out the crazy when it bubbles up, I have surrendered to the fact that I can’t do everything all on my own and we have the chance to fall in love and appreciate each other all over again.

Without second chances I would have been a goner long ago. Please let me remember that fact the next time someone needs a second chance from me.

In typical AM fashion, I am currently thinking more about how other people’s decisions and actions adversely affect what it is I want RIGHT NOW, than how sick, awful, ashamed they feel. While my empathy is fine-tuned in this particular situation to the point that I feel physically ill at the pain a loved one is putting his self through, I am also angry that his pain is bleeding over into my daily life and that the choices he has recently made create major problems in my immediate and future plans for me and for him…for him: there’s the problem dummy. I’m once again trying to control everyone around me. Man it’s exhausting, but when they do what I want, it’s sooooo satisfying. When, they don’t, which occurs much more frequently, I am continually let down, ticked off, aghast, in shock. I need to figure out how to balance my expectations and my boundaries.

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