Pissed

Pissed

I know the world is unfair. I know that I am given challenges that would knock others to their knees. Usually I forgive because I know my negative energy only hurts me…it makes no difference to the other parties involved. They have no idea I am spending precious hours of my life stewing and boiling, yelling, crying and yes, even wishing pain upon them. And with my current situation the pain is bound to come. Even as mad as I am, only the pain of the dirtbag who latched onto the money train will even give me an ounce of satisfaction right now. Everyone else I’m currently seething over…well, I really don’t want hurt. I just need to vEnT, cause otherwise, I’m gonna explode and as much as forgiveness has been a part of my life, anger has been right alongside it. My temper is virulent. I’m liable to resort to physical violence and right this second I would, which is why I must get this out.

There are all kinds of awesome things in my life…today I don’t want to talk about them.

Today I’m pissed. I went to bed pissed, I woke up pissed and the anger feels good. I get to be angry.  And anger CAN be good.  I’m gonna let my anger shine and fester for at least a few more hours, maybe longer.  And when it fizzles away this time, it’s gonna come back.  Its all too new and fresh and little things keep happening to throw it back in my face.  I’ve disconnected, blocked and stopped talking to certain people but, but I still see shit.

Leeeeetle background.  I’m 28 weeks pregnant today.  The start of my third trimester.  Physically, my pregnancy has been a cake walk.  Puked a few times in the beginning. Ankles swelled a bit when I was working too much.  I get a bit of heartburn.

Mentally this pregnancy has been awful.  I have wanted one baby…for years and years, but my life was a fuck-up fest for years and years, so I  chose not to bring a new life into it.  I re-met a man a little over a year ago that I had known through the party scene in high school and it seemed like he was getting his shit together too.  We had an intensity off the bat that I have never matched.  I loved falling in love with him.  At first I wanted to keep it more casual than he did.  Oh how the tables turned only a year later.

We started and stopped our relationship, because the first time around, I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t sure and I did something that hurt him.  He left the state and I chose to contact my most recent ex.  He calls it cheating…it actually wasn’t, but it was a very painful thing for him and still wrong on my part.  Even if in my head I wasn’t ready to be just with him, I had told him I was.  He got his revenge when he came back to Illinois and we thought we had worked thru it (really we hadn’t because it came up every time we argued).  But, we got back together.  The intensity was still there and we started to grow together, making some awesome memories.

This won’t turn into a bash him article…I care about what happens to him.  And I won’t bash myself either, but I will be honest. No matter how awful he can say I was or how controlling, I never wanted anything but good things for his life.  And I supported every choice that led him to betterment.  And I almost lost myself in the process.  My codependency kicked in and I began to focus so much on another person, that I neglected my growth.  I still did all the things I should do…went to work, set goals, achieved goals, made time for his kids and our relationship, but I tried to force change.  My favorite character defect.

Back to the pissed.  He left me.  At six months pregnant on July 3rd, he went to Florida again to help his mother with the closing on her home.   I asked him to use the phone I gave him as a birthday present to check on me a couple times a day.  As I worked two jobs to pay all of our bills he was back on the road…but I was fine with it.  His final words to me as he left “Baby, I love you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  As soon as I come home, I’m going to work and I’m gonna take care of our family.”  In the four days that it took them to get to Florida, he only voluntarily contacted me once.  I was incessently calling and texting because I was freaked!  Where was he? Was he okay?  The one nice-ish message I got in return said that the trip was so bad, he didn’t want to worry me with details. Hello?! Not hearing anything was way worse. My mental state was slowly collapsing at this point.

They made it to Florida.  Around July 8th.  I wasn’t there and my reports are only second hand, so I can’t say how it happened.  Only that he completely cut off contact with me.  And when he finally accidentally answered me…I was again calling and texting incessantly, he had another woman with him.  July 10th, they were Facebook official.  I lost it…despite all my efforts at a better life, I lost my mind and was scared I would revert to my old self very quickly.  I wanted to do a whole bunch of heroin and stop feeling.  I didn’t.  I called my mom and brother and after hours of puking foam and saying how I give up, my mom made me go to the hospital, where they kept me on the psych ward for four days.  I came home and lost my serving job…even after showing them my intake papers and a clean drug screen.  Anger there. He never once checked on me or the health of his unborn child.  Anger there for sure.  Later he said things to make me feel guilty that I would think of harming our daughter.  Even more anger.

July 20th they headed back to Illinois. He had her in tow.  I paid for his truck insurance, his truck tow, saw his kids and made him a list of barge jobs while he was gone.  He picked up a new girlfriend and couldn’t even make the time to give me any explanation.  Now they are running all over my home town and there are people that I know embracing this new thing he has with him.

I’m angry that people aren’t yelling at him everywhere he goes.  I’m angry that he’s off the hook for the baby we purposely created.  I’m angry that he never checked on his unborn child until he found out I got robbed and I was going to the police about that and something that happened before he left…the first time he’s been civil to me since he’s been back.  I’m angry that he has forgotten all the little things that we did that made us so happy together.  I’m especially angry that this pregnancy I’ve wanted for so long has been so painful.  That I haven’t enjoyed it like I should.  That I only got to experience all of the shared joys for a couple months: reading about her progress each week, watching her kick, seeing her respond to our voices, taking pictures to share with her later as my belly gets bigger, going to appointments together.  I’m angry that I’m the one rubbing lotion on my belly, and running out in the middle of the night: that he’s not here to share my days and my first and probably only pregnancy.  I feel robbed.  I’m angry Ayla won’t know a home with a mother and father who love each other. I’m angry that I’m scared of not liking my own child.  I’m angry that he told this girl that our child was a mistake. I’m angry that I’m so against becoming jaded that I let people get over on me.  Nearly $1000 came up missing from my home last week.  The money I needed to have a cushion, so my baby and I could buy a bigger house.  I’m angry that he’s spending his mother’s money so carelessly on a girl he’s known for less than a month, rather than doing what he promised for our family or giving his other three children’s grandmother some money for child support.  I’m angry that he has to work for nothing and I’m angry that he doesn’t see this girl for what she must be.  I’m angry at her for more reasons than I care to list…I want to physically harm her on a regular basis.  And I can, but others keep telling me that I shouldn’t do it cause I’m pregnant.  Ugh fine…so, now I’m angry that no one else has done it yet for me.

I’m getting counseling.  He will tell you I’m a hypocrite, that I fucked up too…and it would be the truth.  I just chose to dust myself off and immediately get my life back on the rails.  He has picked a different path and I’m angry.  I want him to want the life we had, to want to reach out to me to help him get back on the tracks too…but again, that’s my control issue.  I will have to deal with whatever consequences come from both my actions and from the life that my child’s father is choosing.  Rarely will you hear me say this…but it’s NOT fair.  I want some justice, but I want it to come my way.   It’s not going to.  I’m not going to manifest things into another person’s life like I can my own.  And that makes me pissed.

 

 

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ReVision’s Vision

Hello to my readers.  I’ve disappeared for a valid reason, I swear.  ReVision Social is about to launch.  This post will be my introductory blog on my new website…feedback appreciated.

The Scenario:

You’re a small business owner.  You’ve worked hard to make your goods fabulous and your services top of the line.  You must market your wares, handle your finances, order inventory, manage employees, provide customer service and take care of every little day to day detail that comes with running a company.  On top of all that you  realize that an online presence isn’t just a website; that a marketing campaign must include New Media.  But, taking the time away from the tasks that you and your employees MUST complete, in order to create and implement a whole new Social media marketing strategy in an ever-changing field just isn’t feasible.  You don’t want to bobble the effort and the potential to gain new customers and create long-term relationships can’t be passed up.  You know who you are, now let ReVision show the social world who you are by creating a strategy, posting interesting and relevant content, building brand loyalty, gaining trust and engaging with your fans and followers.

The ReVision Vision:

ReVision doesn’t want to change who you are. We want to know who you are, learn what makes you tick, and give your company a voice in the social media arena.   We specialize in finding the right voice for your company, learning not only what you sell, but also the personality of your business and we translate that into an online presence  blasting your values, your mission and of course your products over the big 2.  ReVision allows the i-world to see YOU clearly.  Not just a black and white, 2-dimensional view of your product line or services, but a full-color 3-d view of everything you care about, know and are.  ReVision takes the time to visit your site, speak to you and your employees, develop a reciprocal relationship with your customer service team and obtain any and all information that can help to develop the most effective strategy that will embody your entire company.  This is no impersonal, crank out any old content type of operation. EVERY piece of information we post, is well-thought out, well-written, pertinent and fits into the personalized social media strategy that is developed by us and approved by you!  ReVision is not here to ReVise who you are, we are here to ReVise the way the social world sees you.

 

 

 


“Mommy?”

“Mommy?”

“What is it dear?”

“I want a Salerno butter cookie….Mommy?”

   “What is it dear?”

   “Forget the cookie and give me a beer.”

 

My mother taught me this…and a million much more appropriate lessons.

Correction: My mother insists she did NOT teach me this gem, nor did she ever tell me to go play in traffic.  These were apparently dad’s contributions. It was, however, her that taught me to shove mustache hairs up my hung-over father’s nose while singing “What do you do with a drunken sailor.”

This post has been in the making since I started my family series…I just can’t seem to ever shrink my feelings down enough to put them into blog form.

Pam Dell’Aquila or Miss D to the hundreds of kids (now adults) she taught in pre-school is the epitome of what mothers should be.  She has been the center of my universe for my forever.  She has been the focus of the majority of my past resentments (my narrow-minded fault, not hers).  She is the one I want when I’m sick or sad.  She is my greatest cheerleader and she never lets me down.  My mom can do anything… cook, garden, can, sew, diagnose car problems, diagnose life problems, fix said problems, heal her sick kids, soothe babies, put a person at ease, perfectly navigate a route she’s only traveled once, swing a hammer, fix a garbage disposal, draw, paint, create, write a story, write a boring grant proposal, clean dog poop, say the right thing in any situation, recognize trees, flowers and plants, plow, mow, drive with a trailer, drive stick…you get the point.   My bro and I (well, more me than him) lucked out in the genetics market: both of our parents are extremely smart and capable…tall too.

Mom is a pioneer woman according to my Dad and she is the anchor that holds  our little family in place through turbulent times .

Oh yes.  She has faults…like a fuse so short that a base jumping, cliff diving adrenaline junkie would think twice about lighting it.   Pride so intense that she will hide a problem until it reaches the point of no return.  And of course, the inability to say no to her very adult children.

None of that matters…because she is my mom. She loves me and accepts me and believes in me without any conditions and I love her crazy, stubborn ass exactly the same way…even if I do wish she would learn that it isn’t weak to ask for help.

Tomorrow we go to the Dr. way before I’m used to being awake, to have a spot of squamous cell carcinoma removed from her hand. It’s localized and I’m sure the procedure will go off without a hitch, but finding out my mom has cancer was not a cool thing to experience.  I’m not ready to make the transition from my mom taking care of me to me taking care of her.  I’ll do it tomorrow, but I expect her to take care of her health…to be out in her garden and in everyone’s business for a long time to come.


It’s a Jumble & I Love It

Yep…this website is officially messy.  And I should officially be sleeping more…and eating more, but I might as well be productive when I can’t shut   down.  And anyhow, I  had my one day…I didn’t even look at my planner all day on Sunday, August 26, 2012.  I enjoy my day a week, I enjoy the self-induced pressure and I enjoy my journey.  If it means I eschew sleep to type and stalk all of my social networking data or forget to eat until I’m famished and then scarf down half an ice cream cake…well, I enjoy that stuff too. Especially the ice cream cake.

Bad crap can swirl around me like a Dementor trying to suck out my soul, but I’m impervious once my Bobcat Patronus is unleashed.  Maybe I stumble for a second, then BAM, single minded focus is unleashed from my wand and negativity fuels my desires and gratitude as effectively as success and encouragement.

I have as usual rambled from my main point, which had something to do with how unfocused my website is.  It looks like there may be a pattern here.

My answer to my own query?  The website is good…it shows everything that I have learned, which was the point of its birth and subsequent adolescence.  It’s growing up so quickly that soon it won’t be contained by these broad pages…it will leave the nest and find it’s focus and evolve into a whole new beautiful being.

Way to flowery…what I mean is this website is great for what I’m using it for: To showcase my media talents and help me find a job in the broadcast industry.  Someday, I will streamline my continued learning into a site that will be used for me to make money on a freelance basis. Then it will be goodbye to my first attempt at web design and hello to marketing myself as the leader, creator, writer,producer, talent, voiceover artist, videographer, editor that you need.

Good thing it’s not today that I choose to narrow my focus because that was  too big of a list and right now I’m loving the Hodgepodge that is my journey.


Goin’ for Home Plate

August 16, 2012

Crunch Time!  This is where it’s time to set myself apart.  Frolf is unfortunately moved to the back burner for a bit, while my demos take center stage in my brain.  One of my goals while @ BATV, was to create my own show from start to finish…create, script, shoot and edit it all myself.  I, as usual, thought HUGE and my resources were limited…I did have constant access to cameras (thank you BATV)  and I have plenty of footage, so now it’s a matter of rewriting and making it amazing.  But…it has to wait. The project isn’t done. And I’m okay with that, which is a minor miracle.  No one is hurt in the delay and I have learned new editing techniques, gotten better at shortcuts and dealt with trying to get unpaid talent to do what I want, when all they want to do is frolf.  Don’t think for a second that frolf won’t get done, but frolf isn’t gonna get me to graduation and it probably won’t get me a job. I now have 20 days left of class and need to do 3 demos, and start pounding down doors to get jobs…not to mention personalized cover letters, company research and all of the normal hullaballoo.  I’m pumped and I’m pretty sure my brain will be in constant motion for weeks.  This is gonna be one of those chunks of time where I have to keep a notebook and pen in bed with me while I sleep.  Any doubts I have are pushed out of my conscious mind.  Nothing but confidence in my abilities is allowed at this time. (Luckily I have friends and family who never let me forget my strengths…or weaknesses).  I don’t know everything, I’m not the best; but I am damn good.  I’m malleable and I’m fast:  You explain, I grasp and extrapolate, then I ask my bundle of questions in rapid succession.  I need to know more, more, more and ANYONE who has knowledge I can use, will have their brain picked. There. I’ve sufficiently brought in the positive, job-getting, winner vibes for the night.  Now I’ll go to sleep, so my brain can put together the pieces of my TV demo.